Using Conflict to Increase Intimacy

Conflict surrounds us. From the intense conflict of a war in the Middle East to the daily bickering that characterizes most relationships, we are in constant negotiation to get our needs, feelings and ideas recognized and gratified. To the extent that we fail in this endeavor, we experience frustration, fear and anger. Obviously, living with constant frustration, feat and anger can have disastrous consequences whether on a personal or at a global level.

In working with couples, I am constantly made aware of the need to feel validated. When our feelings or needs are strong, it is extremely frustrating to not hear, "you are right" from our partners. Unfortunately, the partner has the same strong need to be "right"; thus begins wars! As a hopefully neutral observer of such conflicts, it is usually easy for me to see both sides. I understand the historical and current factors that fuel the emotional energy with which each partner clings to his/her position. As a fellow human being, I empathize with the need each has to feel validated. As a therapist, I have learned that in the complex world of human relations, being validated is not about being right; it is about being understood. In the right/wrong dynamic, there must be a winner and a loser. Winners experience increased power, status and control. Losers, in contrast, feel decreased self-esteem and powerlessness. Obviously, losing must be avoided at all costs. Therefore, fights deteriorate into desperate attempts to come out the winner. Destructive attacks and manipulative defense strategies come into play that can only have an eroding effect on the relationship. New fights must occur on a regular basis as no one can afford to remain in the loser position for long.

What is the purpose of fighting in a relationship? I am convinced that the real purpose is to increase intimacy through an enhanced understanding of each partner's feelings and needs. If one accepts (and behaves from) a position of mutual caring and respect, conflict need not engender fear. In the absence of fear, there is no need to defend oneself, and every reason to be open to and curious about our partner's position. Without the desire to understand the motivations, needs and feelings of our partners, we can never be close to them. While it is certainly true that people make mistakes, and sometimes bad ones, resolutions requires the commitment to understand and learn. Apology is an important part of this process as it begins the process of self-understanding. From an acceptance of personal responsibility, a deepening process of exploration of self and other must unfold. Conflicts are the catalyst for change. Without it, relationships stagnate into lifeless exercises in endurance. While conflict may not be fun, it is necessary to relationships that desire to deepen and grow. Winning the fight may provide a heady high, but it comes at great cost. The loser must eventually retaliate, and the resulting cycle of winner/loser creates a relationship weakened by fear, absence of trust and emotional distance.

How to Have a Constructive Conflict:

1. Try to keep your emotional reactivity low. While difficult at first, it becomes easier with practice. The following all help to lower emotional reactivity.
2. Remember that the truth is almost always subjective. This means that two people can encounter the same set of circumstances but come to very different conclusions.
3. Accept your partner's version and become curious rather than judgmental.
4. Use the conflict to learn more about your partner. Ask questions. Become an investigator into the feelings and meanings associated with the conflict.
5. Do not get defensive. What you are hearing from your partner is his or her understanding of things. It is not the truth. Only you can know the truth for you. Ultimately you must take all the information and filter it through your own lens to know what is true for you.
6. Try to find solutions that will move the relationship forward. While frustrating, it is sometimes not possible to reach an agreement about what happened. It is almost always possible to find a mutually agreeable course of action to move beyond the conflict. Make the goal increased connection, not winning.

The above is offered with the assumption that the relationships being addressed do not contain physical or severe emotional abuse. Violent relationships require outside intervention by a trained professional and/or the legal system. Safety must be the first priority, and is a prerequisite for effective conflict resolution to occur.

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